So much like my feelings about Kanye West, I can’t stand The Sports Guy personally largely as an extension of my hatred for Boston sports generally and his inability to contain how cool he thinks he is. However, his writing is solid and occasionally writes something I enjoy as seen in this week’s column.

Preface: I was watching football last week and almost choked on snack foods when the NBC in-studio commentator was revealed to be Matt Millen for the day. I spazzed out and wrote a bunch of angry texts then proceeded to listen to him for some reason. This more or less captures my reaction.

The Bernie Madoff Award for “Studio host who made you feel as if you were watching Bernie Madoff hosting ‘Mad Money'”
Like everyone else, I did a quintuple take upon seeing that NBC had trotted out failed Lions GM Matt Millen as one of its pregame studio guys. Like everyone else, I was confused about what NBC thought my reaction should be — should I be nodding intently as Millen broke down the Cards-Falcons game and saying, “That’s a great point, Guy Who Single-Handedly Murdered The Lions?” Like everyone else, I felt bad for Detroit fans, who had just put the 0-16 season behind them and probably looked forward to a pain-free playoffs … and suddenly, there was the John Wilkes Booth of their franchise staring at them in HD. Like everyone else, I remembered Millen was good enough on TV that it made you think, “So yeah, maybe that’s how he got hired.” Like everyone else, I wondered what kind of tranquilizer NBC had to give Keith Olbermann to keep him from making a snarky Millen joke. And …

(Wait, this deserves its own award.)

The Bird Who Crapped On My T-Shirt Right Before the 2004 Baseball Playoffs Award for “Best omen heading into a game”
… like everyone else who backed the Cards, I couldn’t have been happier when Millen picked the Falcons to win. He didn’t just pick them, either. He was adamant about it. I think I broke my personal record for “Fastest time calling in more money than I already had on one team.” I was like the Usain Bolt of gambling; I think I banged out another Cards bet in 9.85 seconds. Let’s add this to Playoff Manifesto 5.0 and make it the new No. 1 rule: Any time Matt Millen inexplicably appears on a studio show, picks a playoff team to win and seems confident about that pick, bet the house on the other team as fast as you humanly can.” And you thought Millen couldn’t bring joy to football fans.