I’m at the wedding of a good friend whose bachelor party took place in Miami a month ago. I was all set to attend until I realized I had the worst sinus infection known to man and a weekend of drinking and fishing would probably make me die. I had a bad feeling about it – I canceling on a bachelor party just seems to invite bad luck somehow.

I was right. Apparently everyone showed up on Friday, went to a bar to have a few drinks and spent the evening hanging out with acquitted alleged double homocidist OJ Simpson. I can’t believe I missed this. I want to kick myself in the nards. Questions I would have asked him:

1) No seriously, you did it, right?
2) Who wears gloves when they’re not committing double homicide? In LA? In June?
3) Do you not think it’s creepy to still date women who look like Nicole? How do you still manage to date anyone without them thinking you’re going to kill them?
4) What could have possibly been going through your mind when you wrote the book?
5) Are there any plans to sell an OJ “The Juice” Simpson Juicer with Jack LaLane? For that matter do you even feel comfortable ordering juice at restaurants?

EDIT: After further investigation, I learned hanging out with The Juice means listening to him drone on for an hour about Iraq (“Eh-rabs”) and how he was once Don Imus’ boss among other topics while five strippers follow him around. Five. Also, none of my friends broached any of the above questions with OJ. I suppose when you’ve publicly decapitated your wife and some other dude while managing to get acquitted of the crime, people learn not to fucks with you.